Psalm 130

I know that You hear the whimpers of my broken spirit and the sighing of my exhausted mind. I know that of all beings You know how deeply I hurt, how I suffer.
Is this necessary? Why do you allow this to happen if I feel like I’ve gone through this suffering a million times already?
Why do I still miss the things that never benefited me? Why do I long for the sinful? 6 months is a long time and yet the need still persists.
Why do I behave like I’m strong when I know how weak I am? It only makes things hurt more.
I know that all people have their struggles. I know that I was not made to be an island, entire in myself. But this hurts lord. Yes, you forgive my heart for its jealousy and anger and wanting. You forgive me for foolishly pursuing things aren’t you.
These circumstances are out of my control. I have to trust that if I truly believe you are sovereign even over this then all must work for my good. ALL even this. Even though this feels like death. It is out of my hands.
I must wait for The Lord, having patience and hope that one of these days the wanting and concern will cease to remain. Then things might return to the way they were, they way they were meant to be. Day by day I have to search my soul. Today I still feel longing for the sinful.
I am the watchman guarding my own heart. I will wait until morning comes. Oh, how I long for morning which brings Your steadfast love.